‘Honestly,’ he said, looking across the table at me in our favorite coffee shop, ‘I think this break up is particularly rough because you are genuinely the best sex I’ve ever had.’
With as much humility as possible, he was far from the first partner to tell me (repeatedly) that I was the best sex they’ve had.
Now, I am very aware that people say a lot of things in an effort to get laid (he probably wouldn’t have said no to break up sex). I also know that being ‘the best’ is wildly subjective. But even taking all of that into consideration, it still feels good to hear from a sex partner that they think you were ‘their’ best.
If I objectively think about my sex life, I know there are a few techniques I’ve developed that contribute to hearing this statement- none of which are wild or difficult to implement. In fact, I would say the top four tips to being the best sex partner are actually pretty foundational practices but will change everything.
- Ask questions & get feedback- This may sound almost too simple, but we very often assume how we do something is the best way even though every body experiences turn on differently. Just because it worked with a previous partner, doesn’t mean it will give your current partner pleasure. You don’t have to make it awkward by stopping mid-sexy time for a sudden, interactive conversation. You’ll find a simple yes or no, this or that style questions work best in the moment. Things like: ‘’does this pressure feel good?’’ or ‘’Do you like this; do the thing, or that;do the other thing?’ Also, take the time to talk about your sexlife outside of the bedroom. Saying ‘’I really liked when you did that thing with your hands on my thighs last night’’ is a type of foreplay, it builds anticipation, and also gives your partner hints on where to focus their efforts next time.
- Show your enthusiasm- I often joke that what I lack in skills I make up for in enthusiasm. When you express your enjoyment, your partner often gets more excited which creates a pleasure feedback loop between you. If you find it tricky to speak your enjoyment (eg. ‘oh that feels so good’, ‘yes, more like that’), moaning is also a great way to express enjoyment both in receiving and giving pleasure. Eye contact is also a great way to convey enthusiasm. If it feels tricky to maintain the gaze of your partner for long periods of time, try a quick glance and a wink. A little goes a long way when it comes to showing enthusiasm.
- Understand your own pleasure– Knowing what feels good in your own body and facilitating that with your partner, in a connected way, is very sexy. This is why solo pleasure exploration is so important. Spend time exploring your own body so that you can communicate, verbally and/or bodily, what feels good for you. If you struggle with verbal communication during sex, solo pleasure is also a great time to practice making sounds without worry. Then, take what you’ve learned about sounds and your body’s pleasure into your partnered experiences. They will love it!
- Use your breath- How you breathe quite literally affects all areas of your life, including sex. Knowingly or not, you use your breath to enhance or decrease pleasure sensations during sex. In his book The Illuminated Breath, renowned yogi and anatomy expert Dylan Werner states that “We can.. use the breath to increase sexual energy and improve blood flow to the penis and/or clitoris to increase erectile ability and sex drive.” During sex, look to maintain full deep breaths as much as possible. Holding your breath (outside of breathplay context) is a common habit that can actually cause a drop in your arousal and for your sexual sensations to become more muted. Partners often mirror each other’s breathing in sex, so by making this a priority for yourself, you will likely notice your partner’s breath shift as well.
This list is obviously far from exhaustive, but if you master these four tips, you will see a huge improvement in your sex life. Having connected, fully turned-on sexual experiences gives both partners a much deeper sense of satisfaction in the experience. Whether you’re in a committed, long term relationship, exploring experiences with different partners, or somewhere in between, start to become the best they’ve ever had by practicing these four tips today!
HOLISTIC SEX COACH & PELVIC FLOOR SPECIALIST
Jenna Switzer is committed to empowering students to live a life filled with pleasure. Originally from Canada, she has been a passionate yoga teacher for almost a decade and has led holistic workshops, trainings, retreats and classes domestically and internationally. Jenna developed a passion for anatomy, which led her to focus her teaching on the power of pelvic floor work, both physically and energetically. Today, she integrates her years of teaching into a holistic approach to sexual empowerment for men and women.
SUPER POWER: I can get anyone to orgasm through breath practices and Mindfulness.
Social Links: https://instagram.com/jenna_switzer