Consent & Re-consent… What does this mean exactly?
Back in my teenage days, we learnt the phrase no means no.
That’s about as detailed as our consent discussions got.
But that’s just the thing, consent should actually be an ever on-going discussion.
Ever said yes 1 time, then been made to feel that from that point on you already made your choice and had to see it through?
As if an invisible pressure remains by the use of that 1 word, used that 1 time meant saying yes to everything with a person?
Saying yes to one thing doesn’t mean saying yes to everything, every time.
And saying no to something 1 time, doesn’t mean saying no forever, perhaps just right now, or in a certain way.
This space, the inbetween, is what we need to better navigate, and teach and practice to do so in a beautiful way.
Consent in my ideal sex life is:
Checking in and rechecking in with your partner, to make sure you are tuned in accurately.
Helping guide yourself and your partner to your levels of comfort and experiential mood at that present moment.
Comfortably communicating your ongoing pleasure, pleasure points, and limits as you discover them, and equally feeling ok to communicate discomforts, displeasure or a change of mind, pace or activity as these so arise.
Basically giving someone permission to choose, and re-choose, explore, redirect or shut down at any time.
It’s important to be open with your partner, and to express, understanding no can mean: no, not right now, or, not that particular way, or not this particular time.
“Check ins” can be sensual communication, whisperings of anticipation, confirmation, guidance, all intentions and attempts made to maintain a beautiful connection of ongoing trust leading a togetherness journey safely expanding over an intimacy.
Here, in this security with a partner who understands this, is where anything becomes possible, here is where it becomes safe to try new things, discover new sides of yourself and uncover new sides of your partner, because you have the option to say yes and no, always.
It’s really important to talk about sex, goals, intimacy, connection, curiosities, likes, dislikes, definite limits and fantasies etc outside of the bedroom or intimate moment. For example, some people like to have sex to be close, pleasure, and be pleasured, however orgasm is not their goal. Some like energy connection over friction, some like to bring in specific aids, such as enhancing toys, silk sheets, organic oils over synthetic. Others like to role play or use visual stimulations.
Get to know little parts of your partner’s pleasure practices, and share yours to build on, and understand this doesn’t limit them in any way to who they will be in your own dance. Every sexual act is an individual dance, and can change and alter at any time.
Stay open to new ideas, new ways and don’t be offended or become offensive.
Try to leave judgment at the door, and go in with understanding and curiosity.
We are all unique, as are our experiences.
Many women have not got to explore what they truly like, have not reached orgasm, have never squirted, and perhaps do not even understand their own body and how it works.. And men and women can approach each other differently, as they are different beings.
Many men can pull a woman’s legs apart in the heat of the moment, sometimes this can be nice, but many women like to be enticed, opening their own legs from being completely relaxed and inviting to the man, almost begging for him to enter her if she is touched and enticed in just the right ways.
Many men thrust into a woman quickly to penetrate, however on women it’s important that at that time her body is ready, self lubricated from her own arousal and actually luring the man into her.
Talk about your thoughts and experiences on these kinds of topics.
Not just, although very important, STIs, contraception, and pregnancy.
During your intimate moments you can show your partner how your body language is demonstrating to them.
Eg: see how my legs stiffened when you… this means…
Pay attention to your own body, ask questions about theirs.
Eg: If you aren’t hard, are you still feeling horny?
You can ask things sexily, sensual and whispered, like:
Do you like that..
Do you want me to..
Do you want to..
Can I..
Can you..
Can we..
Shall I..
Shall we..
Tell me what you want..
Tell me what you like..
Does this feel good?
Order me!
Here?
Like this?
More?
Shall I stop?
All these words create a great experience setting, giving good pleasure indications, whilst staying sexy.
Giving and receiving constant consent means providing a safe space to explore and change your mind or direction at any time, without feeling pressure, stuck in an unpleasant position or not speaking up as to disappoint someone else so you cast your own needs or comfort aside, leading to disappointing yourself.
A great example of consent and re-consent is the series Normal People.
“If you want to stop anything, we can obviously stop.. If it hurts, or, anything, we can stop, it won’t be awkward. You can just say,” explains the character Connell.
This gives his partner clear cut permission to share her experience with him, whilst demonstrating a beautiful level of care and consideration.
On a side note, still important to mention, the series also depicts the vast experiences one can encounter between various intimate partners/relationships.
This may well be the case with your own partner. What worked or didn’t with someone else can be a different story between the two of you.
Personally I love the important depictions that some new age television programs are more frequently touching on, normalizing the complexities and variations in ourselves. And who we share an experience with.
Bio:
Taryn Jade believes that we are all born with strong intuition and all-favorable emotions. When we embrace that, we become our own inner compass, cleverly allowing us to give “the self” what it needs, for ease. Our bodies have the miraculous ability to heal themselves, but this connection to ease is often a lost art caused by a lack of understanding and incomprehension. There is no “one way” or “right way” when it comes to healing. Taryn will guide, teach and support you on a personal development journey that’s unique to you.
SUPER POWER: Revealing I am merely a tool. It’s you who seeks & does the work!
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