Dating in your 30’s as a successful woman can be both exciting and intimidating. On one hand, you’ve had time to focus on your career and build a strong sense of self. On the other hand, the dating scene can feel overwhelming, especially if you’re not sure where to start.
One of the most important things to remember as you start dating in your 30’s is not to settle out of fear. It can be tempting to lower your standards or settle for less than you deserve, but this will only lead to frustration and disappointment in the long run. Instead, trust yourself and your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
While you don’t want to lower your standards, you must take a good look at them and ask if they are realistic in alignment with your values.
In a recent interview, with a group of models the issue of unrealistic standards in dating was addressed. It presents the idea that many people, particularly women, have a list of requirements for their partners that are simply impossible to meet. This can include things like having a certain level of income, having a specific job or education level, or fitting a certain physical “type.”
It was pointed out that these unrealistic standards can be damaging to our relationships and our own happiness. By focusing on a checklist of qualities that someone must possess, we may overlook or dismiss potential partners who may be a great fit for us in other ways. We may also end up setting ourselves up for disappointment and frustration, as it is simply impossible to find someone who meets every single requirement on our list.
The importance of being open to the possibility of compromise and learning to appreciate someone for who they are, rather than trying to fit them into a predetermined mould. It also emphasizes the importance of getting to know someone and building a connection based on shared values, interests, and goals, rather than just superficial qualities.
What does this tell us?
It’s one thing to have high standards and expectations, but it’s another thing altogether to have a list of requirements that is impossible to meet. Remember, no one is perfect, and it’s important to be open to the possibility of compromise in a relationship. It can be a helpful reminder for those of us who may be struggling to find a satisfying relationship to take a step back and evaluate whether our standards are realistic and open to the possibility of compromise.
This is exactly what Melissa did, here’s her story:
Melissa was a successful fashion buyer in London who had always put her career first. In her early 30’s, she started to feel a sense of loneliness and yearned for a deeply satisfying relationship. She threw herself into the dating scene, going on numerous dates and trying out different online dating apps.
Despite her best efforts, Melissa found herself constantly disappointed and frustrated. She found herself going on dates with men who were not a good match for her, and she often ended up settling for less than she deserved out of fear of being alone.
One of Melissa’s main challenges was that she didn’t take the time to really understand what she wanted in a partner. She had a long list of “requirements,” but these were based more on societal expectations and her own insecurities than on her true desires and values. As a result, she ended up attracting partners who didn’t align with who she really was.
Melissa also struggled with low self-esteem and a lack of confidence, which made it hard for her to fully embrace and express her true self. She found herself hiding her true feelings and desires, fearing that she would be rejected if she was fully herself.
In the end, Melissa realized that she needed to take a different approach if she wanted to find the deeply satisfying relationship she desired. She started doing some self-reflection and shadow work, exploring her own desires and needs. She also sought out the support of a relationship mentor and began working on building her confidence and self-esteem.
As Melissa started to understand herself better and embrace her true self, she began to attract partners who were a better match for her. She stopped settling for less and started to feel more confident and authentic in her relationships. She eventually found a deeply satisfying and fulfilling relationship that brought her the happiness and connection she had been seeking.
Melissa’s story shows that finding a deeply satisfying relationship in your 30’s (or at any age) requires more than just going on a lot of dates and hoping for the best. It requires taking the time to understand yourself and your desires, and being brave enough to be fully yourself and seek out the right support. And how can I do this? You might be asking yourself,
Here’s a few tips to help you get started:
To better understand what you desire in a partner, it can be helpful to spend some time getting to know yourself. What are your values and goals? What do you need in a partner to feel happy and fulfilled? Taking the time to answer these questions will make it easier to identify compatible partners and navigate the dating scene with confidence.
It can also be helpful to do some “shadow work.” This term refers to the process of exploring and bringing to light the parts of yourself that you might have been suppressing or ignoring. Doing shadow work can help you gain a deeper understanding of your own desires, motivations, and emotional needs, which can be valuable in navigating the dating world.
To do shadow work, you might try journaling, meditating, or participating in therapy or other personal growth work. The goal is to get in touch with your unconscious mind and explore the parts of yourself that you may not have fully acknowledged or accepted. This can be a challenging but rewarding process that can help you become more self-aware and better equipped to handle the complexities of dating and relationships.
Once you have done some shadow work and have a clearer understanding of yourself and your needs, you’ll be better prepared to approach dating with confidence and authenticity. You’ll be more likely to attract a partner who aligns with your values and goals, and you’ll be more able to communicate and navigate the ups and downs of a relationship with greater ease.
Ella is a Relationship and Human Design Mentor and has spent the last decade exploring spiritual, somatic and therapeutic modalities to have a pretty robust tool kit.
She truly believes that showing up authentically and sharing from values, principles and beliefs, she is giving you a permission slip to do the same.
What she shares comes from experienced and embodied wisdom and shows you that at the other side of the deep inner work is the most deeply nourishing connections and love beyond your wildest dreams.
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