Why do so many women feel the need to fake orgasms?
Why is it that heterosexual women are having the least orgasms during sex than any other demographic?
Although public speaking is reported to be the #1 fear of Americans, I would bet that if you compared that to talking about sex, it would rank #2. Our fear of talking about sex and pleasure is a major problem that leads to fake Os and the large orgasm gap (a term coined to describe the disparity in orgasms between couples). Whether you’ve been with a partner for decades or hours, talking about sex is a vital part of having great sex that results in epic orgasms for all.
By the time we become sexually active, it’s assumed we already know the tips and tricks of how to please and be pleased by a partner. We learn from porn, magazines, or friends that “every guy likes if you do kegels during sex” or “do this trick to make him explode”. But the real truth is, we don’t actually know what they want until we ask… which requires communication. Even if you’ve been with your partner for years, if you’ve never talked about sex, you’ll be surprised how many things you don’t know about their pleasure (trust me on this one).
Talking about sex can be broken down into three different categories: before, during, after. If you’re continuing with the same partner, the “after” category will blend with the “before” category as time goes by. It may seem a bit daunting at first, but I promise that with a little effort and consistency it gets easier… and sexier.
Generally, communicating before sex is done with new partners (but not always). It may seem like it will kill the mood, but trust me, this conversation can totally enhance your experience! If both partners are aware of the boundaries, sex is so much more fun as it allows you to relax and enjoy the moment without overthinking.
Important questions to ask might be:
- When was the last time you were tested for STDs?
- Is there anyone you’re currently dating or who thinks that you’re their partner?
- Just to be clear, I’m totally down for (state any acts you are open to exploring: oral, making out, etc.) but I don’t want to (state any acts you don’t want to explore: penetrative sex, anal play, etc.). Is there anything you want to try or avoid?
There are many other questions you may want to add to this list but these are a few basics to start with. As with all styles of communication, it gets easier with time. So get started!
A lot of people struggle with this part the most. Learning to talk during sex can be tricky, but it’s also wildly rewarding. Communication can be as simple as making sounds. Moans, humming, head nods, or head shakes can go a long way. Even making eye contact and adding a wink can clearly tell your partner that you’re enjoying what they are doing.
If you do talk during intimate moments, it’s important to keep questions simple. Questions like “what do you want me to do?” might work for some, but for the majority of people, it feels impossible to communicate exactly what we want in the heat of the moment. Use simple questions like “does that feel good?”, “do you want harder/softer?”, “do you want more?”, etc.
It’s particularly important during sex to not assume that you know what they want. Just because it’s worked in the past doesn’t mean that it’s arousing for them today. Work life, family duties, and other stress can all impact what feels pleasurable to us and when. Check in with your partner to see what they’re craving in the moment.
Once you master the art of talking during sex, try adding dirty talk to explore another aspect of arousal to your experience.
This is where the metaphorical rubber hits the road. Talking right after sex is a simple way to express what you enjoyed and to continue to feel connected. “I really like when you did that thing with your hand” or “I loved when you kissed me like that” are statements that allow the post-sex bliss vibes to be left undisturbed.
This is NOT the time for constructive feedback. We are often at our most vulnerable directly after sex and a statement like “I really didn’t love that thing with your fingers” can be more damaging than productive.
Constructive feedback for your partner is best discussed outside the bedroom. Find a time where things are quiet and relaxed and broach the topic with love. A conversation like “Hey, the other night, I really loved the way you did X, but Y didn’t actually feel so great for me. Maybe we can try Z next time? What did you enjoy?” shows your partner you care and enjoy them sexually, but also that there are things you don’t want them to do again. It also allows them to share their own feedback. Talking about sex outside the bedroom is also a great form of foreplay. The more you discuss what you both enjoyed, the more excited you get for your next intimate experience.
Talking about sex is important for all partners. Understanding the foundations of when and how to communicate will make these talks easier and more pleasurable. As with anything new, this takes practice (and a dash of bravery) but I promise your efforts will be rewarded. Communication about sex leads to deeper intimacy, more pleasure, and a strengthened connection between partners.
Jenna Switzer, Made Hot Coach
HOLISTIC SEX COACH & PELVIC FLOOR SPECIALIST
Jenna Switzer is committed to empowering students to live a life filled with pleasure. Originally from Canada, she has been a passionate yoga teacher for almost a decade and has led holistic workshops, trainings, retreats and classes domestically and internationally. Jenna developed a passion for anatomy, which led her to focus her teaching on the power of pelvic floor work, both physically and energetically. Today, she integrates her years of teaching into a holistic approach to sexual empowerment for men and women.
Social Links: https://instagram.com/jenna_switzer